/Tillius

(NB: this is being posted at 17 June 2007. The date says May because that's when the sms was sent.)
Very early today - 01:00 - I finally acted on the feelings that had been nagging at me for a very long time. I had to do it with sms though, which displeases me. I won't get to fully explain for at least a week because he has many assessments due before exams.

* Lust is not a good common ground for a relationship. (You'd think I'd have learnt this already, from the last relationship!)

* Doing something blatantly forbidden according to what I (supposedly) believe is ... well, forbidden. Believers should not start relationships with non-believers - there's numerous reasons for that.

* I could feel myself growing distant from what I was meant to be close to. I'd get angry for no particular reason, very easily angry; coarse language was easier to use without thinking. I don't think being with Tillius was a direct result of this; he is definitely not a bad influence. But I do suspect that by allowing myself to accept physical intimacy bordering on outright sex, it was subconsciously reinforcing (to me) that I didn't have to follow 'those pansy rules'.

* I knew that I was meant to be a mirror for God's glory, an example of how much more a person can be if they follow Him. I was not. Even worse, I was probably a stumbling block.

* I told myself that I'd wait at least a year. I told him that too, and he'd been willing to wait. But I didn't, at all. I let what happened that night in March be the final breaking point for my previous relationship, and leapt right into another.

* I always found that I bled whenever I let him touch me inside... this was not a major reason, it's just something that made me uneasy.

Tillius, you'll probably never read this, but still, it needs to be said... I really enjoyed the short few months we spent together. You were the first to succeed in comforting me when I was in pain; no words can express how much your simple text hug helped that month. Thank you for showing me what pleasure is.. I still long for your touch when I think about the time we spent together. Thank you for teaching me how to pleasure you. (Was I ever really successful with that?) I'm very grateful for your self control; don't lose that, ever. We dreamt idly of children once, in the far future.. it is entirely because of your control that it didn't become a shocking reality which no one was prepared for.
I think I was your first girlfriend. Whether that's correct or not... I'm sorry for not being able to show you what a relationship should probably be like. I know it can be much more than just physical satisfaction, and I hope it was more than just that for you. I still have a long way left to go before I learn to love another as I truly should. You've probably got less of a distance to travel than I...
You have been a friend to me for years, definitely for longer than what little time sense my mind has. I am glad that I will not lose you as a friend. With the example I set, I've probably no right to say this... (even though you said not to bring this up again) but please, reconsider your decision about God.