Even after so long, the tears still leave their wet trails down my cheeks as they soak into my pillow and bed covers. Will I ever know those nights of glorious awe again... clear dark skies jeweled with the myriad multicoloured lights of distant suns, curled up warmly in a sleeping bag with memories and hopes to guard me... the quiet sounds of the occasional nocturnal animal; fresh, sharp, cold air of winter nights, and even colder winter mornings...
Will the time to remember again ever arrive? I fear that it will not; but I fear greater that when it does, I will find that I remember nothing. There is actually very little that I know about his inner world...
The darkness that he fell into - what seems like a long, long time ago - I do not know where it is. Perhaps it is in the world we shared. The world where the link first sprang into existence. A world that we.. found and explored together. A world only accessible via a link which has now faded away. I cannot access it anymore. I have only fragmented memories of it.
But I do remember that once, when I walked the border between light and dark in innocent naïvete, he pulled me away from the darkness and into his inner world, where we blinked surprisedly at each other.
I remember... having been aroused by him, and he being aroused by me; although it was only text on the screen, the link we'd shared conveyed emotions and thoughts... I'd never known it was possible to burn with such passion, yet remain pure and unhurt. There had been nothing but love; no impure thoughts or lust...
I remember a very cold night of loneliness in the bush; although there were many camped around me, I was alone. That night, he had taken me deep into his inner world of light and held me close; shared with me his warmth and his care for me. When I closed my eyes that night to sleep, I had seen many trees, bathed in a soft glow; it had been warm, and he had indeed been close.
I remember... the times when we rescued each other when the dark took us; I remember running over a frozen place to seek him... I remember seeking for him as a wolf... howling for him when I lost his scent.
I remember... lending him my strength, willing to give him all I could, and more. I still am these days. But it seems that I do not have anything to offer him anymore. We - or perhaps it is just me - have changed since those early days; changed and cannot go back.
Just like that dream he had of rowing in a boat with me; the oars were strange and he did not know how to use them - I was his first. But I knew how; so I rowed. But gradually we went out to the open sea and got lost. Eventually, as it neared sunset, the boat landed on an unfamiliar shore. He'd dreamt that we had walked a little way until we came to a hill, which he climbed to see where we were; but I lay at the bottom, exhausted and unmoving.
I don't remember the rest of the dream. I don't know if it is time to remember yet, so I will not read my logs. But I wonder if I am still there, at the bottom of the hill. I feel as though I am, each night.
I have said that I would be alright. And I suppose I am; I have learnt to hide the sadness behind childish happiness. It is not always just a mask these days. But at nights, I know there is a wound that has not healed; it will not heal for a long time. I do not think it is visible to most. I hope not. It causes me pain sometimes.
I wonder... if he will walk over the hill one day, and go down the other side. Why do I still hope that I can awaken him? I am not sure, but I thought that I was told that I was not that one. I think I was told that there would be another for me. Probably not better. But apparently I would be content. Perhaps even... happy...
I know I was told that he would be taken from me; I was not his either, though I wanted to be. This time last year, I had prayed that I would not make the same mistake as last time; that I would keep God first. And it seemed that it would happen, for we were - are! - both of the light. But... I guess... somewhere along the way, I made the mistake again.
He gives, and He takes away. For a while, I knew His blessing. But now, it seems there are only trials after trials, with very brief rests. I should be glad. But at nights, the wound hurts...
I tried... I really did try... I guess it's never enough...
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