... ._.
scared disappointed vulnerable want to hide feel somewhat like a child feel like what was truth 5min ago will not be truth later he said that there is time but almost everything he said before has come undone is no longer truth even though they were not intentional lies sad...
but also a tiny bit happy because he tried to make me feel better he still cares not just an acquaintance would have given me an easter egg he suggested i talk to doctor, who would probably have some stories to tell.. and he laughed and suggested i just chew on a lollipop or something i have not seen his smile for a long time though i have heard it when he is talking
too bad he is in exams birthdays only come once a year 18th only comes once in a lifetime i missed his presence on my 18th though i didn't know it was what i wanted until it was dark i wonder if he will miss me i hope not he didn't ask for anything and he has said he will be busy...
I still want to at least give him a hug... and I still owe him $14.70... *feels like crying again*

Tomorrow I have an appointment with a specialist. I have to use a suppository before I see him. He is going to put a tube up my bum. I am not pleased, but I have already called the thing off once. Mum went to a lot of trouble to book another appointment... *sighs* I suppose I should just stop running away... *wants to hide again*

I know I should focus on the good things... there are things that could be worse...
...
There are... really there are... it's just an examination, it's not an operation...
though it may lead to that... >_< *is even more scared now and feels like an idiot too, for talking herself into such a state*

I wish... things were different... ._. I still miss him... I miss him so much at the moment... it hurts...