Essays are painful affairs, especially when I'm missing related texts. Managed to write two full ones today, sent them off to teacher by email, and fit in a decent conversation with Net147 as well. Around 02:00 too, though I'm going to feel so guilty later if he ends up sleeping in class or something. I still have german speaking to prepare. I can't quite believe that the HSC speaking exam is NEXT WEEK. I'm nowhere near prepared, I'm not likely to get prepared anytime soon either. Too much other stuff on my mind. Like trials, and how not to miserably fail English. Instead of Physics after English, SDD is now after English. So cruel. Ah well, crap happens, and I'll either deal with it or not. Right now, I'm not in a mood to care. I'm in a mood to sleep. Darktime morning sessions (annoying lack of appropriate word!) with Net147 always make me sleepy... probably because we always seem to end them by rp'ing going to bed. He really does make me laugh when he's high. Perhaps... this was how he was like sometimes before he allowed a more contemplative... mind(? there's that lack of words again) to wrap around him. So many interesting layers revealed while connected to the Wired. It is a good thing, I think.
And yet, I wonder sometimes about how we will react in Reality. We know so little about each other there. He knows me more as Kunama than my 'real' name; I refer to him as Net147 because that is how I know him best. Blessed, I feel we are. Different, but drawn together by a hopefully inseparable, unbreakable bond.
Day after day, that fear lies tiny and dormant inside the dark corner of me, the seed that prevents me from utterly trusting. It is good that it is there; it protects me. But it also hinders me. Towards Net147 and God, I cannot let that seed bloom, because it will send roots of dark down deep where I won't be able to get at them, and it will be all the more difficult to pull them out. Such is the predicament I face spiritually. These are the constants in my changing self and surroundings. His love, my love for him. Our link to each other, and as children of the Light, to the Light. And later in the future, hopefully his warmth, heartbeat, constant inner strength.
For me, that is enough.