Not that this is even along the lines of what I feel, but what is it that makes stupid adults think that children can't feel just as strongly as they do about something? For some reason, I have a headache...

My phone reset itself again, though not as far back this time. I've only lost one or two days' worth of SMSs, but I resent the fact that I've lost all the ones from this morning.

Anyway, it's back. And it is damn frustrating. I woke up feeling it this morning and it didn't go away until about midday. Then the sky started getting dark and it came back. It's so distracting, I can't get any work done with it there, because I keep wanting to strip and go back to bed. What is it anyway? Animal instinct? I mean, it is winter, so that sort of makes some sense. I dunno. Net147 said that it usually happens in the summer for him, and then he just ends up wearing looser clothing and less layers. He tries to avoid it. What was that change he underwent anyway...?
Whatever the reason for its coming back is, it's certainly hard to control it. Those Elizabethans sure were wrong. Stupid society. It just makes it worse that my parents would be oh so pissed off (and probably worried and/or scared) if they found out about it. They'd probably give me lecture after lecture, how my role is a student, I should be committing everything to study, blah blah blah...
*Cries frustrated tears, feeling trapped and walled in, wanting to cut and bleed, since that may help some*
Worst thing is, I know I can probably banish it if I tried. I think I should (probably because that's what I've been told all my life), but it also feels wrong to try. I don't want to end up controlled by/addicted to it, I've seen what it can do to people. But I don't want to lose it altogether either. Somehow, I know that that would be very unnatural.

*The wolf stands back and watches*
'That's a rather pathetic creature, more prey than predator. She could probably be ledrene, or at least a good huntress if she tried. These humans ignore instinct when they shouldn't. Necessity or not, they think far too much.' <-- Ha. So much like Hamlet and his soliliquays.

I sort of remember a line from the Rurouni Kenshin DVD/OAV (It is a great anime, good plot, great art, some beautiful music. Everyone who hasn't done so should watch it! Warning though, it has some rather violent parts in it)... "A sword needs a sheath." Somehow, that's part of it too, but more a long term thing and not as intense.

What does one call it when one wants to feel both pain and pleasure at the same time, and can't have either because others would disapprove and try to 'fix' them because of such a longing? When one wants to both yield and dominate, in the same instance? To take all that one can, but give everything too? To gasp, hot and writhing, risk the very edge, maybe even fall off - and then realise that one is totally safe?
I think that... the desire is pure, but tainted by society. Doesn't matter either way. I may as well try to do the impossible, because I know I can't satisfy it. Maybe this is what Pon farr feels like. (How illogical, that a human would experience such a thing.) It threatens to drive me insane.
"Calling, calling, in the depth of longing..." I want... to know him, within and without; to give and receive pleasure; my skin to burn under his touch; his arms around my body; his bare chest against my breasts; to feel him enter me, take me and claim me completely; to encompass the entire length of his thrust; to be overwhelmed by the pain and pleasure of first experience; the hot spurt of his fertility deep inside me; to be utterly and absolutely linked... to feel his heartbeat in time with mine forever...