I don't know what to think. What to do. I know what I want, but I also know that it can never be the same as before. Not after what has happened. Hopefully further change for the better will occur, but at this point in time, I seriously doubt it. I don't know if that is what God wants either.
He is... still the last one I would willingly hurt. He is... also the one most able to hurt me emotionally. Perhaps I am a fool, to allow myself to settle for a relationship that is liable to crash at any time. Perhaps I am so desperate that I am simply deceiving myself. Does that make me one of those stereotypical smothering attention whores?!
At the moment, I am not what he is seeking. He hasn't found it yet. When he does, I know that I can be no more than a close friend. I would have to let him go a separate path, possibly forever. I risk getting hurt again. He says that I must prepare for that; I don't know how it could be any worse than the first time, but it means that I cannot bond with him as completely as I did before; I must always be ready to run. Such an attitude is harmful to the development of a relationship. I don't want to be that way, but I don't think I will be able to help it. If we get together again... I hope he will understand.
What he seeks is one that is similar to him; one who shares his personality; one who sees the light over the darkness.
Can I really turn out to be that one? He wanted me to be. Can I change? Should I change? I know that if I change... it should be to try and be as much like Jesus as I possibly can. Would being with him - although he is only lending me his heart - would that help us both to grow in Christ?
Spent at least two hours on the phone. I called him today... sudden depression came over me. He asked if I refused to face truth and reality; I said that reality is cursed and truth changes; he said that truth is always changing and that time changes truth, and asked me what was true that isn't now; I said I didn't know, and asked him to tell me; he said it was too much to tell. So I called him to see if he would tell me. He didn't.
But he told me that I am precious to him. I told him that he is still that which is most precious to me. I asked him if he was afraid; he said he wasn't.
"I guess I am afraid that you will be hurt in the future..."
"I guess... but when u find what u seek, then I will be happy for u. Because to find what is rare is to be truly blessed."
"But what will you become then? Will you be ok?"
He cares... he isn't insensitive... but if the time comes, he will do what is necessary... to do that needs courage and honesty. I hope that when he finds his one and only, that I will have the courage to accept his decision and not be spiteful or jealous. To respond negatively would not be fair to him; it wouldn't make me a better person; and it would mean that I would be breaking my word. I 'said' that when he found what he is seeking, I would be happy for him. Because to find what is rare is to be truly blessed.
We will always be friends. I want to make sure of that; like him, I also want us to be friends that will never forget each other through the flow of time. Even if truth is changed by time... I don't want us to drift to mere acquaintances, or, God forbid, enemies, as time goes on.
What drew me to him was darkness; what kept me there was his individuality, his strength of will and commitment - to be himself, to better himself and to walk in the Light. What drew him to me?