I know what I want to do.
I know what would be the second last thing I'd do if he asks me to hurt him again.
I know what the last thing I'd do after that would be.
But maybe I won't have to do anything.
The responsibility is once again on me. And I'm terrified of screwing up. I get the feeling that I only have one chance to get it right. Who knows if that's true. But it's probably a good way to think.

The vision was true. Is true. Hopefully will remain so. I don't know if my interpretation is right, but it doesn't matter. The chance is there. It's starting. I don't know what to do, but I can't procrastinate. Take it slowly, yes. Perhaps leave it at being friends until the holidays. Think. Learn. Get to know each other better, from a different perspective. Since now, there seems to be less of a wall between us. And then maybe try to reforge the link.
It will be different. If it reforms, it will be stronger. Because of what has happened, I think, hope, that it would be. But that is the future. Leave it be. Let Someone who knows about it deal with it.
It is ironic. Or maybe not. Refining fires produce the purest silver and gold.

So what have I learned so far?
To accept that change happens.
That we are individuals.
That to hurt others also hurts myself.
That I'm not as masochistic as I might have been.
That I may have relied on him far too much before.
That I lack self control.
That we understand each other better than words can describe.
That there are still sides of both of us to be explored.
That I cannot deny my love for him.
And that even if it is not returned, I can survive. Incomplete, but I would live.

My hope burns bright again. By admitting that even if it went out, I could continue; by being honest and open, what I had almost given up on will come to pass.

He has more facets than I ever imagined.
Perhaps we will have the chance to discover them together.

Lord, guide my footsteps into the grey. Fortify my fatigue and show me Your will, let me not resist if the grey unravels the barriers that I do not need. Help me to find him. And when it is time, reveal to us the path through the grey that we must take to reach the light. Strengthen my trust and my faith.
For Yours is the kingdom, the power and the glory forever and ever.
Amen.