Today of all days turned out to be fare free day for Sydney's Rail Service.

Took train from Epping to Hornsby to see if B. Sinclair was in - she wasn't, of course. My luck has been crap for a while now. So I borrowed books. Star Trek. I haven't read a real book for a while now.

Took train to Cheltenham. Karen had her mobile turned off, so we couldn't tell her where to meet us. Stupid girl went to where she usually was, and kept us waiting for about 10 minutes, at which point I decided that she wasn't worth waiting for, and walked back to the train station.

Took train to TH. Was going to read manga at Kinokuniya but spent the time at Games Workshop instead, doing nothing. Then got hungry and ate lunch at 16:50 - $8.50 for teriyaki chicken + rice + miso soup + tea. Good food.

This morning, I asked haly for advice. He advised me to stay away from Net147. He'd been reading my blog, and noted that what I felt was not love, but obsession; that I seemed to do nothing but hurt myself anymore. He told me that it was rather pointless to think that I wouldn't hurt Net147 - that even if we were to work things out, start dating again, even perhaps marry, we'd still be likely to hurt each other quite a bit in the future.

But despite haly's advice, I couldn't resist seeing Net147 again. He had classes after normal school ended, so was still in the city.
Why did I go? Mostly out of concern for Net147. I'd cut connections within myself, but external sources were still intact. So I knew that he was hurting.
And I also went to apologise. Somehow, it is not quite the same, saying sorry in a digital realm.

He surprised me by tapping me on the shoulder while I was on the escalator going up to Kinokuniya. While waiting at the lights, I'd had the strangest urge to keep looking up. Turned out he'd been watching me from the window overlooking the QVB crossroads. We walked around Kino for a minute, then headed out again, down to buy 2 chicken souvlaki sticks. He offered me some, but I was full from lunch. He had a red mark on his right hand. It looked like he'd dug his fingernails into his skin.
Then we just sat there for some time, saying little. Just thinking, I guess. He looked sad... it was difficult to tell, I wish I had more chances to learn to read his body language. I asked him if he hurt. Perhaps he nodded. I asked again, "Do you?" I know it probably sounded rhetorical, but all of a sudden, a verbal answer seemed very important to me, although he'd already told me countless times via msn and sms.
It was clear enough that he was still hurting. I wanted to say I was sorry - wanted to say it so much, but couldn't. Questioned myself why, and found my courage lacking.
So we sat there, immersed in misery.

All of a sudden, he hugged me
and something inside me changed
"I'm sorry, I'm so sorry..."
he forgave me
we didn't want to let go of each other either
he was so warm in the cold wind
white shirt thin his body warm underneath my hands against my bare arms inside his blazer his arm around me protecting forgiving seeking support from me i want to be closer want to hear his heartbeat he gently pulls me near to him warm and close and nothing else matters, just us, even though we were sitting near the busy TH; each being the other's support, not wanting to leave, hold on to me forever...

It was almost enough to make me change my mind. I came so close to it; it is not in my nature to hurt those I love... no.

We sat a while longer. Two birds squabbled over a chunk of food located somewhere on his right, where I couldn't see. Curious, I looked over - there was nothing there, it'd been eaten by the birds. I looked up and thought I saw him smiling. It brought a smile to my face.

Then it was time to go. We walked together a few more minutes, then parted ways. "It was good to see you again. Too bad I don't get to do it much."
I headed home, in true 'rush hour' crowds. It was 18:00.

If I ignore the grey, then I can pretend it's not there... even be happy for a little while... like when Net147 goes into Trance...

We will be ok. It will take time, but it will be ok.
"While you may have let go, I am still holding on... hurting myself and you. In the end, I never really wanted to let go. But it is not simple anymore. It would be nice if we could put away and throw out everything except what really mattered, but reality is just cruel... We went the long way didn't we... we got hurt didn't we..."
We will get there in the end...