Relapse

Well. I've just wasted the last three or so hours online. I got sick of doing work.
Talked to a few people. Mase was online. I didn't know what to say, so I didn't say all that much. Probably should have said a bit more. All I can say is that I'm sorry I didn't really try to do anything about it.
It gets hard to remain optimistic and hope that things will all be ok when people around are depressed and insist on telling me. I suppose I should be pleased that they turn to me for help. I never realised that. I've never really felt as though I could help at all; times before when it's happened, my mind has always gone blank. More so this night than any others. Even when Net147 is lost in the dark... I find it hard to know what to say.
Ez wanted to talk to me too. I blocked him. I didn't think I could deal with him and Mase as well. He probably feels ignored now. I'm sorry about that too. No matter how much I hate being human and being selfish, I am human and all I want is to know that Net147 will return the love I have for him.

I wonder if Net147 ever feels like he doesn't know what to do. He's always said the right things when I was lost; he's always managed to bring me out of the darkness. I should have probably told him what was bothering me. But it had something to do with him, and I didn't want to burden him with something like that. I know you probably weren't talking because you didn't have much to say, or were doing something else. But telling myself to believe that doesn't really work... telling myself anything these days doesn't work...
I feel like lashing out at guys in general. I know it's wrong to blame someone else... but really, must they come to me asking about girls? It's not like I know anything. I know very well that I'm not one of them. I can't explain why girls think the way they do, because I have no idea how any other girls think. I can't explain why no one likes you, or why they all say they like you but won't go near you. I can't find a girlfriend for you. I don't have the answers. I can't deal with my own problems, let alone yours as well. The emotions aren't mine, but they affect me. I can't block. If I could help, I would, but I can't. All I can do is watch.

It is so hard to remain optimistic and hope that everything will be ok. It makes it harder to be someone else's support when I've lost my own. Why did this happen now... why now, when I need you the most?