The same question. What do I hide? I don't know. You said you trust me. I said that I trust you. I swore I would never forget that you trust me. I remember that. I do not take oaths lightly.
It makes me doubt myself. I thought I knew who I was. I asked him once. He said that I was his love. What about now? He doesn't know. I know I love him. I know that even if we were just friends again, I would probably push him away for quite a while. Healing would take time. I pray I will meet him when he comes out of the grey.
Change is inevitable. Can I really change to cope with this? Have I already? Already, I can feel the walls that have come between us. He says it is himself. I trust him in this. I don't think he would lie. Even now, I do not think he would lie to me. He has... changed. I don't really know him anymore. I wonder if I really did.
But if I didn't... then how did it work before? A relationship requires knowing what the other is like. I would not have found him, linked with him, if I did not see that he was someone I could maintain a deep link with.
If an absolute link is not possible... but it came close... then the one whom you choose to share yourself wholly with... how deep will that link be?
I know I wanted to know him completely. Without layers. I still want that. But that is not for me to choose. He says he knows I have layers. I wasn't aware I had any. I don't know if he's right or wrong. He is more often right than wrong.
What I don't show him is my annoyance at people; my sometimes uncontrollable anger; my helplessness when he avoids contact; my dark side. I fear to show him that. He said once that he loved me for who I am. He said more recently that he doesn't know who I am in reality. They are both truth. Distance has kept us separated in reality.
He is the only one I trust so completely. To know that what he feels for me is fading really hurts. I know that he wasn't lying before. He said he would hold on to me for as long as I held on to him. Naivety affects us all. Why didn't you let me try to bring you out of your cycle... why didn't you tell me before about whom you were seeking... why did you say you trusted me but were still uncertain?
I don't think love is an emotion. It is something one feels for another, and can feel that someone else is feeling for oneself. But it is not something like sadness, or happiness, that one feels for oneself. It requires two; happiness, sadness, anger, one can feel by themselves. But to feel loved, to love another; there must be someone else. I think it was the other who brought you out of your cycle before. Perhaps not. Perhaps it was something else. But first love is powerful. I am not your first, not truly. I'm glad I'm not. The chances of us staying together would have been slim from the start then.
Change can be for the better. Something like this can cause a relationship to be strengthened immeasurably. But it requires both to be willing to maintain it. I know that you are working it out on your own. I know I want to help, but you say that I cannot. I trust you... I honestly hope that I have not misplaced my trust... to have done that again would hurt more than the other times.
So many questions... never any answers... the mould grows again......